Friday, October 16, 2015

Comin' in hot with the Pimp Limp

Chinese Food to Take Out

**Special Review Section Alert** Name:
Phenomenal. Like one of those clever “Oh, let’s go to That Burger Place,” kinda names. Like a botched, Chinese-English version of ‘something.’ “Babe, what do you want tonight?” “Eh, let’s just get sum’hin good.” BOOM. Sum Hing. And then capping it off with a sub-sentence so expertly foreign, butchered like meat at a deli…played me like a fiddle. If I want cheap exotic food, I want it to be cooked by guys with a VERY basic grasp on the language of the land. Fucking nailed the part.

Phone Demeanor:
Right off the bat, this guy was all business, to the point, no bullshit. “Hello! Sum Hing. What do you want.” They say a little courtesy and pampering the customer goes a long way, but these guys know the game. They’re not trying to sell me something. I’m just trying to buy. That, or he just didn’t have much English. Regardless, ordering lasted about a minute. Solid.

The Waiting Game:
I’ve been sitting here for about 15 minutes. Waiting for that phonecall, because, again, don’t want to risk my lameass roommates talking to me.
And the eagle has landed! Shit’s here and all accounted for. Total time: probably 17 minutes, and they ran the phone gambit like a pro.

Pro tip: you always run the risk of getting Shanghaied with a shitload of veggies and not a lotta meat, so it’s always a good idea to Google Image search your dish before you order, just so you don’t get boned. I’m gonna pop on the Italian Job with Marky Mark while I chow on this Pork Lo Mein. Haven’t ever sat through the whole thing, and last time I watched it I ended up bumpin uglies with some babe (hey ;) you know who you are). Incidentally, weirdest situational bang-movie: Human Centipede.
Ok so the Shrimp Eggrolls or Shrimp Springrolls, or whatever they are, were off the charts, per ushe. Little skimpy on the shrimps, but they are simply marvelous. Love ‘em. AAAAND just as I suspected, a proverbial butt-load of veggies, ALL UP INSIDE my goddamn Pork Lo Mein. Not ruining the experience at all, however. Tastes great. * Side Note * Along with forks, has all of Eastern Asia just not discovered cheese? Nothing from that region seems to be cheese-based. [Backtracking 2 sentences] SPEAKING OF aforementioned ‘suspect’ things, that is the EXACT word I’d use to describe Mos Def’s acting abilities in this movie. And the mechanic guy. Marky Mark too a little bit. J Stath. Really this whole movie. I’ll give it 3.5/5 stars. This grub, however, gets a well deserved:

OVERALL: 8.25/10 (average score)

I’ve eaten here before; I’ll eat here again. I’m running out of room on this page. Recommend